Litany to the Astros

We Catholics believe and practice the darndest things. With Astros down to the wire in game 7, we're pulling out all stops. For example, parishioners at Annunciation Catholic Church right next to Minute Maid Park are selling handmade rosaries with orange and navy blue beads.

A beautiful type of prayer we often invoke is a Litany. Litanies are poetic, responsive prayers offered up for special intentions, such as Litany of Divine Praises. Litanies can be recited anywhere and are particularly popular last-ditch invocations. Stuck in traffic? Try the Litany of Divine Mercy. Your recipe for pizza-dough-wrapped pickles has been named a finalist in the Pillsbury Bake-Off? Time to settle in with the Litany of Humility. And for teens coming home two hours after curfew and seeing Dad in the driveway? Rattle off the Litany for a Happy Death, naturally. 

How a Litany to Astros? I created two, which are not sanctioned by the Church and will probably add a few hundred years to my stay in Purgatory. Note: if you don't know about Purgatory, check it out in my book, Holy Bones, Limbo, and Jesus in My Cheetos.

Divine Litany to Astros Batting Lineup

Jose Altuve,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Carlos Beltran,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Alex Bregman,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Carlos Correa,

 For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

 Evan Gattis,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Yuli Gurriel,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Marwin Gonzalez,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Cameron  Maybin,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Brian McCann,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Josh Reddick,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

George Springer,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Derek Fisher,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Juan Centeno,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and a slugging bat,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Divine Litany to Astros Pitchers

Charlie Morton,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Lance McCullers, Jr.,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Collin McHugh,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Dallas Keuchel,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Brad Peacock,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Justin Verlander,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Ken Giles,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Francisco Liriano,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Joe Musgrove,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Chris Devenski,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Luke Gregerson,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

Will Harris,

For a winning spirit, divine grace, and immaculate innings,

I pray you bring us an Astros win.

MLB playoff musings

There's a theory MLB tried copying the Catholic church's hierarchy when it formed. Excerpted from Holy Bones, Limbo, and Jesus in My Cheetos

Boys in the ’Hood

Someone’s gotta run God’s show on earth, so, while standing by a huge rock about 2,000 years ago, Jesus put the apostle Peter in charge. A lowly fisherman, he considered taking “Captain Pete” as his new title, but settled upon Pope Peter. That name had rock-star appeal. Plus, it would keep his face off packages of frozen fish sticks down the road. From that moment, the Church put into place a paternal chain of command. Interesting to note, there’s a theory that Major League Baseball tried replicating the structure. The MLB came close, with one major exception: the commissioner’s position isn’t a life-long commitment. Thank goodness.

Pope

The title “pope” comes from the Greek word pappas, which means father. Thus, the pope’s authority is supreme and to be carried out in a paternal, fatherly manner. He’s like Bud Selig, except he doesn’t get booed when he enters stadiums. He’s also called other names, including His Holiness and Pontiff, which means “bridge builder.” Only in Selig’s dreams does anyone call him either of these names.

Priest

Priests are the down-in-the-trenches guys, the intermediaries between parish peons and Church hierarchy. They’re our Cal Ripkin Jrs., reporting to work every day and tackling parish duties. Day-in and day-out, priests say Mass, hear confessions, and play Bingo with senior citizens with the gusto of a rookie on his first day in the Majors. Priests are the Church’s ironmen.

Holy Bones, Limbo, and Jesus in My Cheetos

Statue for Peyton Manning, Next Up, Sainthood

So Indianapolis Colts have erected a statue of Peyton Manning, as a tribute to the popular former NFL quarterback. How about an everlasting tribute, like Sainthood?

Manning could easily fly through the steps required by the Catholic Church. From Venerated as Son of Staubach to canonized Saint Peyton, patron saint of second chances, Manning has what it takes to become America's next saint. He's so popular that mini versions of his statue would pop up in lawns all over the country, somewhere in between St. Francis and garden gnomes.  Next up, his own feast day. Watch out St. Patrick, St. Peyton's got you in his sights!

Excerpt from Holy Bones, Limbo, and Jesus in My Cheetos:

Step One—Servant of God Declaration

The candidate must first be deemed worthy of sainthood. The Church relies on fact-gathering and input from local clergy who have investigated the candidate’s background. They require validation the candidate lived piously, served others, and was considered an all-around swell guy. So far, so good for Manning.

Manning’s got a load of evidence in his favor. First, he’s the son of a saint. His father, Archie, played for the New Orleans Saints. Second, Manning is a paragon of piety. It doesn’t get much more pious than having a children’s hospital named after you. As a bonus, Peyton Manning Children’s Hospital belongs to a Catholic medical center named after a saint! In the celebrity piety pecking order, he’s not quite Oprah, but Brad and Angelina can’t touch him. For starters, not only is he still married, Manning isn’t marked with the taint of ten years living in sin before taking his marriage vows. It’s hard to top that, but it gets better. Word’s out he’s looking at opening a string of Papa John’s in third-world countries and will deliver free pizza to orphanages. Boom, take that Brangelina.

Manning scores high in likability and service. Fan adoration ranks him among the most well-liked in football and so do advertisers. His product endorsements rake in big bucks. No other sports figure this century can touch Manning’s saint appeal. Although, one did come close. Experts say he was on track for beatification but was beaten out of his chance by his wife. Literally. With a golf club. His own. Vatican lips aren’t sinking ships but sources have confirmed “St. Tiger” would not be added to the saint roster in the foreseeable future.

In a breeze, Manning passes muster. He is beatified and moves closer to sainthood. At this stage, the candidate is designated “Servant of God.” However, there’s talk Manning will be called “Servant of Staubach.”

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